Have a little faith

I've never considered myself a religious person, I've always held a belief in God and Heaven but never practiced Christianity. Not until I spent a few years (and $$) in college studying Christianity & other world religions. You see, my parents had religion and practice forced on them and they felt that wasn't fair so together they decided to let us kids pick our own beliefs. Thankfully because I was mostly exposed to Catholicism and that was not the denomination for me, too cult-y, too many rules. I believe I have my own personal relationship with God and that's good enough. I don't feel like I NEED to attend a church in order to pray or to have that relationship. But that relationship has been growing stronger the past few years. Before we got married in a Lutheran Church that Hubby was a member of, it was important to me to be baptized, we held the same beliefs and I wanted to make sure we shared those with our future children. So, I was baptized into the Lutheran faith two weeks before our wedding. Most importantly, we're both Christians and we want to share in that together and with our children. A little over one year ago, my paternal grandfather passed away. Not necessarily by surprise, he had been on dialysis and having some deteriorating health issues, but no death is expected and certainly not welcome. Anyhow, I was particularly close to him, my parents and I lived with him for 9 years (well, 4 for me until I moved to college), he was there to help me get ready for two proms, he helped my dad critique and approve my then boyfriend (now hubby :), he was there for my graduation and wedding. But getting back before this topic takes days for you to read about... When he did pass away, I felt this incredible calling at his funeral. My faith and relationship with God grew immensely and I felt that He was telling me it was time to add to our family now that Grandpa was gone. Also, I felt that He was telling me not to take people or time for granted, don't wait to be "ready" just do, just live, and love it. Two months later, Hubby & I conceived Bean, kind of a surprise but I felt it was an incredible gift from Him and my new guardian angel. From then on, I made sure to thank God for my daily blessings and health, and for those people I had in my life and for the new life I was bringing into the world. I'm discussing this rather personal and spiritual topic because it has since given me so much strength learning how to be a mommy to my little Bean. Now on to the good stuff...

At five weeks three days old, I lost it on poor Bean. I was a hot mess. We had gone for over five weeks learning to know each other, learning our rhythm with breastfeeding, dealing with reflux and doing all of this on VERY LITTLE sleep. If you didn't know, breastfed babies generally eat more often than formula fed babies, on average about every two hours compared to every four hours, respectfully. This only allows for about one hour of actual sleep... Don't get me wrong, I knew it was going to be a challenge to nurse and I felt I was prepared to put aside my own comforts to provide Bean with the best nutrition and care possible but I was not good at dealing with the lack of sleep. I had had the baby blues hard core the first two weeks, which they tell me is normal and to be expected. I cried about everything... From the flowers my in-laws sent us at the hospital to my extreme thankfulness of Bean making things so easy for us being such a good nurser. (I mean, she's never had an issue latching and never had nipple confusion. I mean, a true blessing. But that didn't make it hurt any less that first week...) But the tears kept going and going but it was getting to be negative tears... Bean was starting to cluster feed and would want to nurse ALL day. My supply couldn't keep up! She would be on the boob trying to eat but nothing would come so she would just cry! It was heartbreaking! All the professionals said to keep switching back and forth, that my body is always producing and she will always get milk, it just might not be as fast in the large volume that she wants. I felt like I was failing as a mother, that my supply would never keep up. So mix these extended blues with milk frustration and sleep deprivation... I broke. I cried for hours this one morning, holding Bean to my chest trying desperately to will my milk to come out for her, she's crying, I'm texting L and HB who are trying so hard to make me feel better (and thank God for them because they give great advice and support when I need it most). Finally it was 12:00 and I looked up and prayed. "What are you trying to teach me?! Why won't you let me provide for my baby, why can't you help us get some rest. Please, I need help and I need it now." Not 5 minutes later, Hubby calls me and tells me that he felt I needed his help and he was coming home from work early. He heard me. He answered my prayer and it was instantly! When Hubby got home, he gave me a glass of water and sent me to bed, made Bean a formula bottle :-/ and both she and I slept for a much needed 4 hours! (So much for getting home early... Hubby was left to do nothing but watch us sleep! Ha!)

Later that day, a mysterious meal was delivered to my house (after our epic nap!) that I later found out L had sent to our house all the way from Louisiana! I cried again but these were happy, thankful tears. It's because of her I realized my ups and downs were kind of comical, worth sharing because so many of us go through it but its the stuff we don't talk about. Being a mom is tough! But if you just have a little faith - in yourself, in your spouse, in your baby, and in The Lord, you will make it through the hard days and you will live to see that beautiful smiling babe, you will live to see that first full night of sleep (when you least expect it! And I warn not to expect it!), and you will live to see that diaper explode with mushy wet mustard poop ooze out the side of that diaper that you were concerned was too tight only to discover it was in fact too loose. Yup... I did :)

I was nervous for my six week postpartum appointment with my midwife, I was worried I had more than the blues, that I'd had PPD. There was no way I wanted to waste time going to a therapist or to take pharmaceuticals that I have no clue how my milk would be affected... But, to my surprise and delight, she said my crying was normal, my waves of ups & downs was normal, & during my exam, she called my vajayjay "beautiful." (They aren't beautiful... I don't care who you are... Men do not use "beautiful" to describe it... Neither do women. Gross.) But I'll take it. It went through a lot! It was broken after giving me the most wonderful gift & now it was healed. Yea, I guess in a way it is beautiful. Just not visually...

I have faith. Now more than ever. So, thank you, Lord for my blessings - my family and friends, Hubby, Bean, and all their health and wellness. I hope you're there when everyone else needs you too, just like you have been for me.

ClumsyMumsy